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Oh How One-sided

Oh How One-sided

Oh How one-sided,

My love for you is.

Oh how one-sided

the pain in my heart, that is.

Oh how one-sided,

it is only my heart that gives.

Oh how one-sided,

it is what everyone believes.

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Summer Romance

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It was summer — a time for sunflowers to bloom. Also a time… when the feelings started to arise from the grounds of my heart and synchronously grow together with the flowers of the season.

We were at the field just waiting for the sun to set. You didn’t want to go home and so do I.
And honestly, I loved spending time with you. I still do. We talked about anything under the sun until you brought the topic to the sunflower I was holding.

You asked me, “why do you keep on holding on to that even when it is almost withering away?”

I could have said that its the same reason why I keep on holding on you. But do I even have the right? You’re never mine. Never was and probably never will. I couldn’t say such so I told you its nothing important. You insisted to know the reason and even thought its because someone special gave it to me. I laughed.

‘Are you serious?’ I thought. I mean YOU are that special person. But of course, you don’t know that. For a second, you being jealous to someone that could be nonexistent crossed my mind. I told you I picked the flower somewhere while I was on my way to you. You didn’t say anything more and instead, grab the flower from my hand.

“Wanna know if you’ll graduate on time?” You said while flashing a nonchalant smile. Ohh, you changed the topic, huh?

I said, “sure, why not?”

You started picking each petal while imitating the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game.

“On time”
“On time not”
“On time”
“On time not”

You were about to reach the end of the game when I counted the petals and I’m pretty sure the last petal will end up as “On time not.” I don’t want that. I tried to snatch it from your hand but your reflexes were just too fast. You have already held the flower up in the air before I knew it. I tried to reach it but all effort turned into waste. Actually, it was really unfair of you to do that. Taking advantage of my height is purely evil! However, it is these kinds of moments when I feel the happiest because these are the moments I can be childish with you. When you picked the last petal and uttered “on time not,” I acted like I was sulking. You just laughed at me because you know I was just pretending. I snatched the flower from your hand and kept on acting.

You continued to talk of many things after like how you had your fans club in your school before, how you end up screwing your guitar performance or how you joined and take part in the student council election in your school. You never said you were popular but I assumed so. You are great. You are awesome.You have done many things I never got the chance to do. In short, you are too good for me.

I had been contemplating all these thoughts when again, you took the flower.

“Let’s make this into a ring?” You asked.

I think I didn’t reply to that or maybe I okayed. Everything was a blur. I was too overwhelmed by your question to the point that I already found myself imagining the possible related reasons why you are asking me that. Reasons like… do you like me? I mean, dude, it was a ring you’re giving me. A perishable ring is still a ring, right?

You held my hand close to you so that you could tie the stalk on my ring finger. Your attention was on the flower while mine was yours. Somehow, while I was looking at you, I felt my face blushing. Thankfully you were not looking because I was so sure I looked like a living tomato that time.

After you finish, I held my hand with the ring up in the air and admiringly look at how perfect it is. And as the sunlight passed in between my fingers, I silently hope this to be the start of something beautiful.

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Dear M

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I find myself hoping again. Hoping that your actions are not that of kindness but rather of love.

Hey, I wouldn’t be this way again if you just remained unseen. I was moving on. I was trying to let these feelings go. I was on the brink of loving someone who treasures me more than you do. All I need was a little push. But instead, you pulled me back — together with the memories and happiness and pain. And then it struck me. Me moving on was all but a lie. A lie that was cracked by your mere presence and was effortlessly shattered by your sweet deeds. And so, I fell for you all over again. Now, things long-buried have been revived.

Things such as this blinding hope that should have been buried forever in the depths of frustration and misery. If only you didn’t show up again…

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Purging of Repressed Emotions

Something brought my wild imagination back —  a very unfortunate thing for me. The problem with my imagination is that it sometimes brings false hopes. When there’s false hopes, there’s disappointments and heartbreaks. And now that I have fallen in love once again, those wild imaginations are back — alive and kicking. YES I am in love and I do not know what to do with it.

Part of me being in love is the fact that at some point in time, I have believed HE feels the same way towards me (a very wild dream of mine). I thought his actions means something. So I was like this idiot trying to decode the meanings behind his actions, only to find out that they aren’t present in the first place. All were just nonsensical deeds. And so, I am here, not knowing what to do and finally just resorted to writing it in wordpress. Or maybe, I am too early to conclude. Maybe there’s still meaning. Maybe not. I really don’t know because still, the issue was left untouched. I mean, we haven’t really talked about our current state — if there’s really something between us. Technically speaking, we are friends. Sometimes, we’re like a couple and then we can reach to a point where we can act like total strangers.It is very frustrating to the point that I can actually eat all the oreos, and cookies and chocolates in the world just to get rid of this depression. And then, there’s also this feeling of paranoia that someday, he’ll decide to leave me. Ewwwkkk that sounds so emo. I was scared of losing him. For the first time in my life, I’ve felt really important and at the same time, abused(emotionally). HAHA! Damn, can’t believe I just said those cheesy lines. *vomits*

I just wish everything would be clarified soon. That way, I can fix the clatters in my brain and carry on 🙂 However, I still do not have any idea how I’m supposed to treat all the feels even after that.

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Nature and Dog

My dog loves walking when nature is around her. And that’s the same case with me. Nature can make you calm, relax and feel peaceful. UNLIKE when we’re strolling on sidewalks and streets. It makes us paranoid, cautious, stressed. With all the cars zooming back and forth, we just can’t relax. She stayed alert the whole time that sometimes, I was having a hard time walking her. Instead of focusing on her walk and enjoying the stroll with me, she kept on being distracted by cars beeping and engines rattling. Good thing we have a park nearby surrounded by trees and grasses. In the park, I can let her go and enjoy the freedom of being off leash. No, I do not worry that she would runaway and reach the road full of cars because I know she’s calm and her calmness will make her a follower. So wherever I go, she goes. And that’s the good thing with nature. It brings the best out of you! :]

PS: Thank you for our followers. Mishi and I send loves and kisses to you!

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Fake it till you make it!

A teacher once told us, if you feel that you can’t do it (he is pertaining to projecting confidence), then pretend you can. People won’t even notice the difference (if you have done it perfectly). Once you master the art of pretension, that’s when you can already jump into the real thing. For example, you want to be happy but there are just certain points in your life that keeps dragging your happiness away. Instead of going with its flow, why not defy it and start ignoring them and be happy? But of course, you can’t just jump to being happy right away. It takes time. So you need to pretend first. Once you get used to it and have already realized that happiness is something that you would really want to hold on, then that’s the time you shift to truly being happy. 🙂

So, friends, remember to fake it till you make it! 😀 Have a good day!